


Take your time

by Starishadow



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anxiety, I wrote this out of spite after CC's spoilers abt them in CoI, Panic Attacks, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, introvert and socially drained James Herondale, overwhelmed James, possible spoilers for GoTSM, protective Matthew, the spoiler is Matthew's secret ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starishadow/pseuds/Starishadow
Summary: «I-I’ll have to go back».He would, but Matthew would never let him go like that.«Not yet, you can stay here as long as you need, and I’m staying with you», he promised.James disappears from his birthday party and Will asks Matthew to go find him.Matthew knows exactly where his parabatai could be and what he needs; feels ensue.(Set shortly before the start of CoG)
Relationships: Matthew Fairchild & James Herondale
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	Take your time

The moment William Herondale made his way across the people crowded in the Institute’s ballroom towards him, Matthew could feel his blood turn cold, and his hand shot out to leave the glass of wine he was holding on a nearby table before he could even stop to ask himself why was he reacting like that.

It wasn’t like his parabatai’s father hadn’t heard what everyone was saying about him by now.

And yet, there was something about the Herondales… no matter how far he fell, Matthew still caught himself struggling to impress them, or to at least not let them down as he did with the rest of the world.

Lucie had already chastised him for his drinking and not even that long ago; James had by now stopped trying to reprimand him, but he still snatched his drinks out of his hands and downed them himself or pulled the bottles a bit further from him from time to time. He didn’t really need to add Will’s worried voice to the ones already keeping him up at night.

But still, of course the Herondales had a thing for surprising him just when he thought he knew what they had in mind: Will approached him with a worried frown, but the words that left his mouth weren’t a scolding nor a plea for him to behave himself.

«Math, have you seen Jamie? Or do you have any idea on where he could have gone?».

Perhaps, a reprimand would have been better.

Matthew’s eyes went focused and sharp in an instant, the dazed gaze given by alcohol blinked away in a second. He glanced around feeling his heartbeat speed up in his chest, a defeated little moan bubbling up in his throat.

He had been so focused on his own pity party that he had completely lost sight of his parabatai.

His _introverted_ parabatai, who felt at ease at parties as much as he did at family dinners.

«I–», he started, but his voice was so low it got lost in the noise of the ballroom, and he ran a hand through his hair in frustration, scanning the room with the same look of concern he had seen on Will’s face. «I don’t know, I’m sorry», he admitted, shooting the man a guilty look.

He was surprised when Will smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder, grounding and reassuring him.

«It’s alright. I just need to know if he’s still here».

Matthew knew what he meant, and he closed his eyes, focusing on the bond he shared with James. He usually could feel when he was about to slip away, and he would never forgive himself if he had missed it tonight, if he had let James fade away with no one to pull him back.

But he didn’t feel the emptiness that came with his parabatai’s visits to the shadow realm, and he shook his head in relief, looking back up to Will.

The approving smile he got from him felt like a knife twisting in his chest.

There had been a time when he had thrived for that smile, when he had dreamt of someday growing into a man like William Herondale was. He was a natural people-pleaser, it’s true, but the need to gain his approval? That was genuine.

Of course, it had all been a lifetime ago, when he was still innocent and could dream of a bright future.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and straightened his back, fixing his jacket and gilet as he flashed a smile to the head of the Institute.

«He’s not far», he said, already having a feeling of where James might be. «I’ll go fetch him and remind him it’s very rude to just vanish from your own birthday party».

Will let out a snort at that, his blue eyes dancing with mirth, but he sobered up soon enough:

«Go to him, but no need to reprimand him, he never asked for this party in the first place. Just tell him to show up in time for his birthday speech».

Matthew shivered, and both he and Will shook their heads. Telling that to James was the best way to get him to deliberately throw himself into the shadow realm or set himself on fire.

Both things, Matthew knew, were one more likely than the other.

With that, the boy set off as Will turned back to talk with the guests, ever the pleasant host.

It didn’t even take a few tries to find James: he was exactly where Matthew had expected him to be.

In the library, curled up near the fireplace, an old and battered copy of Great Expectations in his hands.

His golden eyes seemed to flicker from gold to dark as they ran through the lines of the book from behind his glasses, which casted dancing shadows on his face following the flames they reflected.

He seemed peaceful and engrossed in his reading, but Matthew could tell the tension in his shoulders, could see discomfort in the way his slender fingers kept clutching at the sides of the book, restlessness in the way his knees fluttered rhythmically.

«What’s wrong with armchairs?», he asked as he flopped on the ground next to him, bumping his shoulder.

James didn’t flinch nor startle, and Matthew took it as a good sign: if James was conscious of his surroundings enough not to be scared by someone approaching him, then his mood was probably not as bad as he had feared.

But then again, he was his parabatai, James probably had sensed him there more than heard him coming in.

«What’s wrong with the floor?», the dark haired boy shot back, a smile tugging at his lips as he didn’t move his eyes from the page.

Matthew huffed and leaned back on his forearms, keeping his eyes on his best friend – as he should have done from the beginning and not now where they were alone and sitting – and then reaching out to touch his unruly mass of dark hair, smiling softly as he felt James relax instantly and lean into his touch.

«For one, the floor is cold, dusty and hard», he listed, tugging at the black locks and holding back a small laugh at James’ indignant meowl «And most importantly», he added, moving his hand from James’ head to his collar, using it to tug him back and have him fall back on him «The rug’s colour clashes terribly with your waistcoat!», he concluded triumphantly, finally hearing his parabatai’s startled laugh as the other boy leaned back against him, casting aside his precious book.

Matthew always took great pride in being the only one, except maybe Lucie, to achieve that whenever James was feeling down: ever the lone wolf, James used to find greater comfort in well known words printed on paper rather than in other people’s company and speaking out loud, but that wasn’t completely true.

Wolves need a pack, and James needed his few favourite people, the ones he was comfortable with, the ones that looked at the gold in his eyes and saw the sun in them, not the devil; the ones who knew his shadows and loved them as much as they loved everything else in him.

His parents, his sister, Matthew, at first, and now the remaining two Merry Thieves too had been slowly gaining their pass into his secret world, but these things took time, and while James tried to open up to them as well, there were times where he just couldn’t find it in himself to push further.

As Matthew was about to speak and tell him William had been searching for him, James shifted until he was lying on his back, tugging at his sleeve for him to do the same, and when one’s parabatai has a request, you don’t question it, so Matthew went down as well, only sparing one mournful thought at his hair that would end up with dust in it.

«Why are you holed up here, Jamie?», he asked then, his voice warm and soft.

He was awarded by James slipping a hand in his, intertwining their fingers and rolling onto his side so that he could press his face into his parabatai’s shoulder.

_Oh_.

It was one of _those nights_.

Matthew moved so that he was facing the other – or “facing”, considering James stubbornly kept his own face hidden – and his free hand went back to play with his hair, smoothing it back and then tangling it gently.

«James?».

Still no reply, but James reached out with his other hand and absently started to play with the ring on Matthew’s finger: it was the ring he himself had gifted him before they became parabatai, the ring Matthew would fidget with whenever he was feeling nervous or unsettled. Seeing James seek comfort from the same thing that he used to soothe himself was almost overwhelmingly endearing.

«Talk to me», he prodded gently, nudging him but willing to let it go if he refused again, he knew the other valued silence as much as sharing his thoughts, and not always opening up seemed to help him, sometimes it even actually made things worse.

Eventually, after a few minutes of quiet, James’ soft whisper sounded in the room, loud and clear in the silence although his voice was still muffled by Matthew’s arm.

«Too many people», he admitted, confirming what his parabatai had known all along.

While being perfectly able to pull out his “Herondale charm” and dazzle a whole room with his smiles and presence just as well as Matthew could if not better, James never seemed to really enjoy that, not when he had to do it with people he barely knew and who could barely tolerate his family, in particular his mother and the blood heritage she had passed on to him, and maybe even on Lucie, although she seemed to have been spared the trouble of demon eyes and unwanted trips to another world.

Like Will had mentioned before, James had never asked for that party to be held in honour of his birthday, it was probably the last thing he would’ve wanted, but it had been necessary to reinforce the links between the Institute and other Shadowhunters, to remind people they were always welcome there, that the Herondales weren’t as aloof and unfriendly as some liked to think.

James knew that, and he was too good-natured to complain or oppose. If his birthday had to be turned into a social gathering, then be it so. He had only asked that he could spend the morning and early afternoon with the Merry Thieves, Anna and Lucie, the real people he wanted to celebrate with, and of course that had been arranged.

He had agreed to attend the evening party, had even let Tessa brush his hair – much to Will’s, Lucie’s and Matthew’s amusement – and had put on the clothes Anna and Matthew had chosen for him without complaining _that_ much (he had, however, mumbled something about throwing them in the fire as soon as the party was over, but everyone had pretended not to hear that).

Everyone had seen his effort and appreciated it, even as he welcomed the guests and asked girls to dance when it was suitable, talked with the adults without hiding in a corner with the Merry Thieves at any given chance or try to sneak out in the balcony – although that could also be due to the fact he had learnt the hard way that balconies weren’t a safe place to be in at a party, if you didn’t want to walk into your parents doing things you didn’t want to witness – and, most importantly, he hadn’t disappeared into the shadow realm nor had he ever seemed to be about to.

From an outsider’s eyes, things had been going great.

But things going great, of course, must have meant for James to put all his effort into making them go smoothly: holding his breath whenever he bowed to a girl, clenching his fists in his pockets so tight he dug half moons in his palms while talking to condescending adults that clearly believed him to be an abomination, eyes darting across the room to seek reassurance from his few safe harbours.

Matthew suddenly wanted to slap himself for eventually giving in to the urge of downing glass after glass of wine only to escape the feeling of being constantly under everyone’s scrutiny.

Or maybe not to escape it, but to relish in it. They already said so many awful things about him, why not make them true?

The Consul’s second son.

The Consul’s libertine son.

The Consul’s wretched son.

The Consul’s disgrace of a son.

The Consul’s bastar–

James squeezed his hand, and suddenly he was pulled back to reality. He smiled, meeting his parabatai’s golden eyes and holding his gaze.

No need for words.

Just like Matthew would always be there to pull James from the edge of the shadows as soon as he blurred at the edges, so James was always there to bring him back from the brink of the abyss as soon as his eyes went dark.

«Your father sent me to search for you», he admitted with a grin, ignoring his pain as he always did. As he always should have. James scrunched up his nose in a way that _should not_ have been that cute, his expression the one he always had whenever he realized trouble was about to come, but Matthew cut him off with a laugh. «He’s not mad. And even if he was, let’s be real, has he ever been actually mad at you?».

James chuckled at that:

«More often than you’d guess».

«What did he do? Force you to stay out of the library for a week?», Matthew teased, earning himself a pinch on the arm that made him hiss and jab at James’ abdomen.

«Luce is his favourite and gets away with anything, not me».

«Lucie is _everyone’s_ favourite. Plus, she’s clever enough to make sure the blame always falls on you, and you let her every time».

James shrugged, no point denying that.

«Anyway, he’s not mad, I promise. He was worried about you, he knew you didn’t want to be there».

James had hidden his face again, and only hummed in response. «We all knew», Matthew added, his voice a bit more serious and with a hint of guilt in it. «I’m sorry, Jamie», he sighed eventually, frowning as he looked at their hands, still intertwined.

James looked up again at that, one eyebrow raised in confusion.

«You’d better be sorry for this waistcoat you forced on me and not something else, Math», he said darkly, and while he had started it as a joke, there was a serious note in it.

«I will never be sorry for finally turning you into a human being and not a lump of walking fashion crimes», Matthew replied indignantly, snorting, but he rubbed his thumb on the back of his parabatai’s hand, giving it a small squeeze. «But I _do_ am sorry for leaving you alone».

«I was hardly alone with about eighty other people in the same room».

«That’s exactly why I shouldn’t have left you», Matthew sighed, and his eyes held genuine sadness and regret, so much that James huffed a small, incredulous laugh, and cupped his cheek with the hand he had used to play with the ring until then.

«Silly Mathew», he said, shaking his head. «You’re not my bodyguard».

Matthew would have whimpered under the affection and forgiveness he saw in those eyes, his body and soul suddenly aching for another kind of forgiveness, to confess and be relieved of much greater and darker sins.

«I am your _parabatai_ », he protested, lower lip pushed out in a pout. «Wherever you go, I go, watching your back and pushing enemies out of your way».

James rolled his eyes at that:

«While I am not particularly fond of Inquisitor Bridgestock, or the Whitelaws or whoever it is that’s roaming my house’s halls right now, they’re hardly _enemies_ , Math. And I’m a grown man who can defend himself from overly eager young ladies or gentlemen», his eyes flashed with the infamous Herondale mischievousness as he said that, and Matthew found himself laughing despite himself, bumping his forehead against his.

«Maybe I should worry for those ladies and gentlemen then», he said, «so many broken hearts to mend in just one night, after all».

They both grinned at that, and Matthew finally felt some warmth grow into him. Easily, steadily, it spread from his wrist where his parabatai rune was and slowly flowed through his veins, all the way into his heart.

It was always so easy with James, so easy it hurt.

He could’ve just let those words slip right then and there, confess what he had done to his mother, to his sibling, to his family…

But then, James would have been disgusted, he would have stood up and walked out of the room, out of his life.

He would have lost that warmth.

And so, he pushed back the words, swallowing them like sour-tasting alcohol.

«Still, I should have stayed with you», he repeated, stubbornly.

«It doesn’t matter», James sighed, shaking his head and turning again onto his back, eyes staring at the ceiling; Matthew missed his warm hand on his cheek almost instantly, and he shifted closer to him to make up for the lost warmth. «You were there, anyway… You may have gotten distracted around the third or fourth glass, but you were there».

_Ouch._

He had noticed.

Matthew braced himself for the scolding, it only seemed fitting that he had escaped Will’s only to get it from James.

«Besides, if you were next to me and heard what those people said, I would’ve lashed out».

That was unexpected, but at the same time, not surprising at all.

Of course people would start talking shit about him _when his parabatai was close enough to hear_. He rolled his eyes.

«People never change, mh?».

«People never learn to shut up».

It never ceased to amaze him how James could go from gentle, kind-hearted, sweet, caring and all on that list, to ruthless and cold and fierce the moment the people he loved where concerned. It was just another of his favourite things about his parabatai.

«That too, but it’s particularly hard when they’re right».

Okay, _maybe_ he was indirectly asking James to punch him.

James’ head snapped to the side, eyes narrowed and a dangerous look in them.

«They are _not_ ».

Matthew shrugged, smiling as if it didn’t bother him anymore.

«They don’t know you, Math. They don’t know _anything_ but act like they do».

Rumours had that power on people, after all.

«I don’t care, let them speak».

He had once listened to rumours about him, and where had it taken him?

«Not if I can stop it».

«You can’t go around throwing everyone in the Thames, Jamie», and although he said that with a fond smile, Matthew felt the bitter aftertaste of bile in his throat at that.

It was stupid, it was childish, but sometimes he resented James for defending his mother from rumours the way he had back then. He resented him for being so much better than himself, for doing what he should have done to begin with, instead of doubting his own mother.

«Watch me».

Oh great, now he was being stubborn.

«Fine, fine, whatever! If you ever do plan to turn into a serial killer, please warn me beforehand so we can come up with better plans to get rid of the bodies, alright?».

They laughed at that, and that story was over… for now at least.

«That wasn’t the only thing, was it?», Matthew asked after a while, when he felt James’ fingers finally relax in his hold, the features on his face softening again into his sweet, vulnerable look he’d always wear when they were alone.

«No».

The way James couldn’t lie to him was disarming, and Matthew wouldn’t have had it any other way. Of course, James kept his own secrets to himself, but there was a difference between omitting and lying, a difference Matthew could respect. After all, he wasn’t being open about his thoughts himself.

«I just… got overwhelmed», the other boy finally admitted, rubbing a hand over his face. «It was too crowded, too bright, too noisy, too hot, it was all just _too much_ », he ended that with a whimper, his breath hitching in his chest. «I felt trapped, there was not enough air, everyone kept coming at me and they were all smiling and saying the same thing and they kept touching me… And then I-I tried to look for mam, or dad, but they were somewhere with other guests. Lucie was dancing with someone and you– I couldn’t see you anywhere from where I stood. Tom and Kit were with their families and I didn’t feel like going closer. I was afraid that if things kept going like that, I would eventually panic and go to the shadow world. So I ran».

It was a lot of words, more than James would usually spend, and they gained speed as he talked, leaving him almost breathless, eyes dazed as if he was seeing that maze of people and lights all over again.

Matthew quickly sat up, pulling James on his lap. He waited for him to relax against his chest before hugging him loosely, slowing his breath so that the other could follow him, and so that he could feel some calm through their shared bond.

«It’s alright, you’re safe now. We’re in the library, alone and in the quiet», he reminded him, pressing a hand onto his back to give him something concrete to focus on. James nodded, although he did seem still a bit off, hands opening and closing in front of him, forehead pressed against Matthew’s neck.

«I-I’ll have to go back», he realized with a startle, and his breath caught again in his throat, his eyes wide like a trapped animal.

He would, but Matthew would never let him go like that.

«Not yet, you can stay here as long as you need, and I’m staying with you», he promised.

A part of him regretted causing James to remember his panic from earlier and causing this, but he also knew that if he hadn’t, chances were that he’d actually panic once he was back in the crowd or, worse, he would spend the night struggling to remember how to breath, tossing and turning in his bed.

At least he was there to calm him now.

«Do you need me to distract you? Or to help you stay here?», he asked with a frown, but his voice as calm and gentle as ever.

«Just… let me stay here», was the reply, and a smile blossomed on Matthew’s lips.

«Of course, how could I deny a request from the birthday boy?». James choked out a little laugh. Breathless, but it was a start. «Let us move to the sofa, though, or my back won’t be thanking you when I get up».

James didn’t seem to intend on moving, but Matthew had done this before. He secured his hands around James’ body – the fact that the boy was taller than him didn’t help – and then he twisted until he was on his knees and then his feet, swaying a few times but managing the few steps that separated them from the sofa and settling on it.

James moved so that Matthew could lay down on it, but the other had barely even got somewhat comfortable that he was already lying half next to, half over him.

That was the thing about James.

He could be sociable, he could be charming, friendly, dazzling when he wanted to.

But then came the exhaustion, the loneliness and desire for being alone at the same time. He needed time to recharge, and usually he’d spend that time in his room with books, but it wasn’t enough.

He’d grow restless and itching for contact, for touch.

He sometimes reminded Matthew of a clingy kitten when he was like that, but he definitely wasn’t going to complain.

«We’ll go back», James promised, although somewhat gloomily, then grabbed Matthew’s arm and lifted it so that he could wiggle under it, placing it back around his shoulders. «Just not now, please. Give me a minute».

The moment he felt him finally relax against his body and take a deep, much needed breath, Matthew knew he would’ve given him the whole eternity if he had asked.

He played with his hair and let him fiddle with the buttons on his waistcoat, smiling calmly.

«No rush, Jamie, take as long as you need. We have all the time in the world».

«Liar».

James closed his eyes while still laughing, and Matthew shook his head.

He wasn’t lying, though.

If time was what James needed, he was going to give him that, and even if Lucie, or Anna, or Will himself came to drag them back to the party in a few seconds, then he would make sure to stand between his parabatai and the whole world for the rest of the evening, doing most of the talking, charming, flattering for him.

That’s what he had sworn, to never leave his side and protect him. Even, and maybe especially, from the daily, mundane monsters.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this basing on my own experience with crowded places and social events, and on my hc that James gets clingy with the few people he actually trusts when he's very tired or very nervous.  
> I hope you enjoyed this, I decided to write it bc CC is promising us pain for them and I will not stand for it!  
> Kudos and comments make my day, and I'll do my best to reply even tho I may be a bit slow with that,  
> You can find me on Twitter: @Flantsov
> 
> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it!  
> Love,  
> Starishadow


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